If Only You Are Here,Blazing Fire

It is 10:30 pm..


 A lot of people are probably sleeping right now but here I am in Moon's Bar getting drunk.I hate myself for doing this but if it is the only way to forget the kind of life I am living now then so be it.

The Psychology of Falling In-love

I am beginning to love this topic...lol

I Can Never Forget About Him

I can never forget about him…
He was the only one I ever loved that much…
I will never love someone else the way i loved him..
I can never imagine myself being with someone else…

Do these phrases sound familiar? Have you been in that situation before?
If your answers were yes, then know that you were fooled and that you have been programmed to believe in the false idea called “The one”.

The Myth of “The One”

The romantic movies that you've seen, your brilliant imagination and your lack of knowledge about the psychology of love have worked together to help you acquire a false belief about love, namely, thinking that there is something called “The One”.

Everything that you see and hear programs your mind and the more you get exposed to a certain idea the more likely that it will become a solid belief. This is exactly what happened To your idea about "The One" and your beliefs about love.

Is the Concept of “The One” true?

• Anyone could fill that Space: The reason you think that someone was “The one” is the sweet experience that you had with him. Your mind associates this experience with that person and as a result you fail to tell the difference between the two. If this doesn't sound convincing then just wait until you get into another relationship and go through new experiences. In such a case you will forget about your old relationship and the new partner will become the One.
• How many "ones" did you meet before?: Just take a look at your past and you will discover that each time you fell in love you thought that this person was the one. Each time you get into a relationship you think that you won't be able to forget the person you love and that you won't love any other person the way you loved him. What usually happens is that a few months later someone else appears in your life and becomes “the new one” .
• The psychology of falling in love: Before you can fall in love with someone your mind must find many matches between his traits and a certain predefined criteria called the subconscious criteria . If anyone matched these criteria you will end up falling in love with him. If someone matched these criteria once and became “The one” then this doesn't mean that no one else can match them..
• Is this your first love experience? : If this is your first relationship then most probably your false beliefs about love and “The one” are a direct result of your lack of experience. As soon as you get into the next relationship you will forget about the old one completely .

If There Is Forever,Then That Is Where I wanna Be

  I found this in a site and thought of re-blogging it:
  

What is real Love?

Apart from the feelings you get when hormones such as Phenylethylamine are pumped into your blood, love is an emotion triggered by your subconscious mind to bring you closer to a person whom it thinks is important for your well being.

Here is an example that will help you understand how love happens. Suppose that you were experiencing a down time and that someone kept helping you everyday in getting over your problems.

In this case your subconscious mind will find out that staying with that person improves your mood and so it will make you love him to insure that you are going to stay close to him.

Real love can in many cases be an emotion triggered by the subconscious mind to help you stay closer to people who can improve your mood.

Is this real love?

You might be wondering why would you love that person instead of thinking of him as a great friend.

The answer is simple if that person matched your unconscious criteria, which is a list that a person must meet in order for you to love him, then you will fall in love with him and if he didn't he will just become a good friend. 

Real love and compensation

People also fall in love to compensate for their unmet needs. If a girl lacks self confidence then there is a great chance that she will become attracted to confident people provided that all other factors are constant.

This also answers the question about whether people get attracted to those who are similar to them or those who are different than them. People get attracted to those who are similar to them in the traits they like about themselves and those who are different than them in the traits they dislike about themselves. 

Some people say that real love is unconditional love where you love a person because of the way he is rather than loving him to compensate for an unmet need.

In real world pure unconditional love is almost non existent and relationships are based on a combination of both conditional and unconditional love.

However the more you shift away from compensation towards unconditional love the more will your relationship become a healthy one and the more likely you will encounter real love.

I think its impossible to have a relation that doesn’t contain those two factors (unmet needs &compensation) but the more you move away from the them the closer you will get to real love.

Unspoken Words

 Beyond what I could see I could feel emotions sway


 Without saying a thing, I could hear the words you wanted to tell


 But, wait, am I confusing myself with what I am actually seeing?


 Do I need words to convince myself of your sincerity?

Ang Walang Humpay Na Paghihintay (Ang Apoy III)

  Hindi ko akalain na ganito ako katanga pagdating sa pag-ibig.


 Sino ba ang mag-aakala na si Demise,matapang at di naman ganoon kabobo,ay bagsak pagdating sa usapang damdamin.


 Kahapon lang ay di nya pinansin ang tindi ng pagod pagkatapos ng isang araw sa opisina upang maghintay sa pangakong text message na syang magsasabi sa kanya kung uuwi na ba sya diretso ng bahay o magkakaroon ng pagkakataon na makapiling si Blazing Fire.


 Sa huli kasi nilang usapan ay sabi nito na hihintayin nya ang mensahe.Naghintay naman ang lukaret (dapat lang naman tawagan sya nyan,di ba?..o baka mas bagay ang salitang "gaga" sa kanya).Dalawang oras syang palibot-libot sa mall.Naglalakad na parang may pakay doon pero halata namang tulala sya.Pilit kasi nyang maging sensitibo ang pandinig sa dalawa nyang fon.Malipas ang nakakapagod na isang daang minuto ay saka pa sya nagpasyang umuwi na lang.Di nya alam kung ano ang gusto nyang maramdaman.Di naman kasi ganito si Fire Horse.Iba kasi iyon.Bukod sa isa iyong matalik na kaibigan ay pede nya itong kulitin ng kulitin.Di rin ito ang tipong nagpapahintay kay Demise.Alam kasi ni Fire Horse na naiinis si Demise sa ganoong sitwasyon.Pero wala na si Fire Horse.Pinili ni Demise si Blazing Fire.Di na sila nag-uusap.Kung dati ay gabi-gabi nag-uusap ang dalawa ay ngayon wala na talaga.Pilit pinakiramadaman ni Demise kung na-miss ba nya si Fire Horse.Pero ang sagot ng kanyang puso at isipan ay hindi.Hindi na talaga.Paano ba nya ipipilit ang sarili sa isang kaibigan na hanggang doon lang talaga ang gusto.


  Maaga natulog si Demise.Pilit nyang iwalang-bahala ang di pagtupad ni Balzing Fire sa pangako.Okay lang,sabi nya sa sarili pro ang totoo ay nasasaktan na sya.Alas dyes ng gabi ng magising sya tindi ng sakit ng dibdib at halos masuka sya sa sakit nito kaya bumangon sya at pinailawan ang kwarto dahil para ba syang hinahatak sa dilim.Sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon ay naramdaman nya ito.Di nya maipaliwanag ang tindi ng sakit.


 Kung pede lang sana matawagan nya ang kanyang kaibigan pero sigurado syang lalo lang itong magagalit sa kanya kasi kabilinbilinan nito na mananagot ang sino mang magpapaiyak sa kanya.Paano na ngayon?


  "Ahh..bahala na", bulong ni Demise sa sarili.Tama na ang minsan sya nagmahal.Gaga na kung gaga pro ito na talaga ang huling pagkakataon na iibig sya.Di man sya nagtagumpay ay sapat na naging masaya sya sa bilang na pagkakataon na iyon.

                                          

Nasa Alapaap Na Ba Ako? (Apoy II)

  




  Mahal kita,Blazing Fire..


 Para sa akin, ay para kang apoy na nag-aalab sa kaloob-looban ko at pilit inaangkin ang buo kong pagkatao.


 Alam kong di mo ako kayang mahalin ngunit nagbabasakali pa rin ako na sa kabila ng lahat ay matutunan mo rin akong ibigin pagdating ng panahon.


 Sana ay magkikita tayo ngayon upang muli kong masilayan ang iyong mga matang nangugusap at parang nagsasabi sa mga katagang gusto kong marinig noon pa.


 Subali't ang lupit ng tadhana.Kung di man kita makita ngayon,sana ay pahintulotan ng panahon na muli kitang makapiling kahit ilang sandali lamang.


 Sadyang kay hirap magmahal,ano? Pero bakit ba kadalasan ay di napipigilan o namamalayan ng isang tao na unti-unti na pala itong nahuhulog?Ito ba ay biro ng tadahana o ito ay nakalaan na sa ating mga palad na pagtagpuin ang ating mga landas?


 Nakakalito talaga.Nakakapaghinayang. Pero ang sarap ng pakiramdam tuwing naalala natin ang taong nagpapatibok ng ating mga puso na wari'y nagpapngiti ng walang hanggan.


 Habang iniisip kita ngayon ay para bang nasa alapaap na ako...Sana...oh, sana ay makita kita ngayon.Gusto ko lang naman kitang yakapin eh..at gusto ko lang naman na marinig na bigkasin mo ang aking pangalan.Mahirap ba yon?


 Ahh..tama na ito..Di na ako hihingi pa ng mas higit pa sa kaya mong ibigay na panahon.Ayoko kasing nahihirapan ka kahit konti.Ano ba itong nangyayari sa akin?Sa unang pagkakataon ay nagiging malambot at pasensyosa ako.Di naman ako ganito eh.


 Pero paano ko ba malalaman ang nilalaman ng iyong puso kung ayaw mo namang buksan ito? Sapat na ba sa iyo na manatiling ako lang ang nagsasabi ng katagang, "I love you"?Naisip mo ba kahit minsan na gusto ko ring marinig ito mula sa iyong mga bibig habang ako ay iyong hinahagkan o niyayakap habang hinahaplos ang aking likod?


 Siguro kung mangyari iyon ay nasa alapaap na ako.....hahaaayy..

                          * itutuloy*

Sa Muli (Ang Apoy I)

 Sa kanyang pagmamadali ay nalimutan na nyang magpaalam pa sa kanyang  mga kaibigan.Dapat kasi maabutan nya ang byahe patungong Camiguin.Nasa malayo-malayong lugar pa naman ang subdibisyon kung saan sya nakatira.Bitbit ang maliit nyang puti na bag ay agad syang nagpatawag ng taxi sa guard.


"Para saan po tayo,mam?", tanong ng drayber.
"Sa port po patungo Camiguin.I need to catch the 8 o'clock fast raft ,manong",aniya nya habang nakatingin sa malayo.


Di sya mapakali kasi di nya maipaliwanag ang excitement na nararamdaman.Magkikita kasi sila ni Blazing Fire.First time nya gagawin ang pagpunta sa isang lugar upang makita ang taong nagpaptibok ng kanyang puso matapos ang unang pagkabigo.Naging mapait ang karanasan nya ng palitan sya ng kanyang unang naging bf.


 Bandang 10 o'clock na ng dumaong ang raft sa piyer.Sa malayo pa lng ay tanaw na nya na nakatayo si Blazing Fire.Naghihintay ito sa may fruit stand at nakangiti.Halos himatayin sya sa lakas ng kabog ng dibdib at sa unang pagkakataon ay parang naduduwal sya.Natatawa na lang sya sa sarili nya kasi  nagtitinginan ang mga tao sa tindi ng pamumula ng kanyang mga pisngi.


" Kanina ka pa,beh?",ang syang tanong nya.Di nya inaasahang mahihiya pa sya sa kanya pro sa oras na iyon ay di nya maipaliwanag ang tinding pagkahiya.


"Bago pa lang,beh", sagot ni Blazing Fire na nagulat sa inasal ni Demise.


 Walang imik na kinuha ni Blazing Fire ang kanyang bag at hinawakan ang kanyang kamay at hinila sya sa naghihintay na sasakyan sa bandang unahan.


 "Kumain ka na,beh?Kasi ako di pa....Sabay na lang tayo sa Station..Nagpaluto ako"
 "Kumain na ako.Di ba I have been telling you na I never leave the house without eating my breakfast,beh?",nakangiti sya ng sumagot.


 Napatingin si Blazing Fire sa kanya kasi biglang nagbago ang tono ng pananalita ni Demise.Nag-relax na ang dati pilit na paghinga sa tindi ng kaba ng dibdib.Huminto sa paglalakad si Blazing Fire at tiningnan ng matagal si Demise.


 "Ano?", tanong ni Demise.Ngunit di sumagot si Blazing Fire at bigla na lang hinalikan nya si Demise sa noo....sa talukap ng mga mata at sa huli ay sa mga labi.


 "Na-miss kita,beh...sobra sobra...", bulong ni Blazing Fire habang niyayakap sya ng buong higpit.Napayakap na rin si Demise sa kanya.


 "Na-miss din kita,beh....akala ko di na kita muli pang makikita", ang syang bungat ng kanyang bibig at di nya namalayan na tumulo na ng lubusan ang mga luha na ilang araw na nyang pinipigilan.


 "Bakit ka umiiyak?", ang maamong tanong ni Blazing Fire.Ngunit di makasagot si Demise dahil parang nawala lahat ng mga gusto nyang sabihin.

*itutuloy*

                           

Probabilities

 Much to my chagrin, I am left with no option but to gave in to what he requested.Part of me was screaming wildly summoning my senses to wake up but I was adamant and beyond reason.I just agreed like a puppy to his wishes.Doing things for him has become so natural. It feels so normal and ordinary.I took risks, definitely but I was not thinking of the consequences then.All I know was I love the feeling of being there waiting for him.


 Yet, I had a restless sleep.I was praying so hard for it to come because I felt abandoned after my task was done.Why? He just disappeared. No more messages or calls to tell me if he has arrived home. Was I allowing myself to be used again? But, I am still considering that he was thinking I already knew what I put myself into. Maybe it is now time to stop fantasizing he is different and time to start focusing my attention to real caring people with intention. Charge to experience, I guess. I lost nothing because it is part of loving. One has to face the fact that once we love someone, feeling pain and rejection is a probability.

 It doesn't matter now. I am done feeling pity for myself.Enough feeling like a victim because in the first place, I allowed myself to fall in the wrong person.It was worth a try.Besides, every experience I acquire in my daily encounter with people, I learn..I grow.

June 13,2012


Ilang beses ko na bang sinabi sa sarili na tama na ang wlang humpay na pag-asang may tao sa mundong ito ang magmamahal sa akin ng totoo.


Wala naman talaga.

June 12,2012


Paano ba natin malalaman na tama na ang mga pagdurusa upang bitawan ang isang tao?Sapat ba na manahimik na lang at patuloy na magdamdam sa isang sulok habang maghintay ng walang kasigurohan?


Di ko maiwasang maiyak pagkatapos kitang tinanong kung mahal mo ba ako at di ka sumagot at tahimik na hinalikan ang nakapikit kong mga mata.Ayoko kasing manghula.Gusto ko ay iyong sasabihin ang iyong nararamdaman.


Tama ba itong ginagawa ko?Bakit parang nalulunod ako sa sobrang lungkot at pait, iniisip ko pa lang na maya't maya ay aalis ka na naman at di ko alam kung makikita pa ba kitang muli.


No promises.It is something we both are not capable of making,right?But how long will we keep pretending that we are unaffected by the situation we both tried to cancel?Is this love that we are feeling?


Chances are we will never know if we give up now. 

 Natatakot ako sa nararamdaman ko,Blazing Fire..


 Sa bawat pag-uusap natin ay binabago mo ang aking pagkatao.Lalo akong nagsusumikap maging isang mabuting kaibigan.Lahat ng mga sinasabi mo ay nakakatuwang di katulad ng mga sinasabi ng mga lalaking nakilala ko na pilit akong kinakaibigan.


Sa paglipas ng panahon ay lalo akong hinahatak ng iyong malumanay na boses.Sa bawat pagtatapos ng ating pag-uusap ay parang ayokong kumilos at pilit binibuhay ulit ang ating mga naging paksa sa aking puso at isipan.


 Come to think of it,I have become a poet again.This time a Filipino because Tagalog has become my favorite.

June 6,2012


I woke up feeling dizzy with too much emotion attempting to suffocate me.Trying my best to sort it out, I came face to face with a single pervading one--fear! Of all the emotions within,it is fear that emerged.


I am afraid to love again.I cannot afford to be swayed by the blissfulness of having someone call you "his" and be completely devastated the moment he leaves.


I was a foolish once but not anymore.


But why am I feeling this crazy increasing heartbeat at the thought of you? Why does my face reddened with so much elation as you speak? Why do I tremble at the thought that we will meet?
Ah,damn. Not again!

 How many times have I promised not to think of you?..not to entertain thoughts of you?..a million times..more than numbers could decipher.There are times that I wish I am suspended in a black hole floating lifeless as the wind carries me wherever it pleases.

“Human beings can withstand a week without water, two weeks without food, many years of homelessness, but not loneliness. It is the worst of all tortures, the worst of all sufferings.” 

June 5,2012


 Thinking of what has occurred between us, I feel sadness creeping along my spine threatening to choke me as tears swell up making me blush all over.Goddd, I so hate this feeling I wanna scream out loud.


          "I am not dispensable!!..I am not a chew-toy that you will discard after you are done and through"

June 4,2012

I have come to a realization,I will never let any man delude me into believing that I am truly loved or even admired.There's no truth in men's words,I just knew that And LOVE?..It did not exist at all.

My faith in union has gone faded, washed with my tears and evaporated with the heat of passion dying out as desire subsided.

I will no longer subject myself to the crazy notion that a man could be honestly straightforward with me with what they are actually feeling.If being a boy-toy seems enjoyable to some, I find it obscenely detestable like acid in my tongue that I could taste violence rising up within my throat threatening to block passage of air.

Enough with pretension.It is now my game,my rules and my "win".I shall show no mercy to those who will try to sway me with feign affection.I am even too busy to spare time thinking of how a man will feel towards my hidden evil scheme.If a guy sees evil in me,then a bitch I will be to him.No signs of mercy.No human emotions within.

Why have I gone so bitter and so painfully revengeful?Well, it comes with age and obviously painful experience.

    Have you tried loving someone that it hurts to even think they will one day be gone?


   That even the effort of breathing becomes too painful to deal that you would rather die than face tomorrow without that person?


  So crazy,right?

May 28,2012

  Everything used to be perfect.My faith in friendship was renewed and I thought that finally I could love again and be loved in return.God has finally answered my prayers,so I thought.Despite the little issues that would emerge from time to time, I feel so secure that I got someone I could trust with who and what I am."Finally",I kept repeating to myself with a smile form in my face and my heartbeat doing a crescendo.I lived in that unreal and seemingly fantasy world for years (yes,years) until days ago I was confronted with a shocking revelation that until now I still couldn't believe it is true.

 How could someone who has built me up,made me strong and pushed me to be what I am now destroy me in just a day of truth?All along, I was taken as a fool, a gathering topic and a clown for short without me knowing it.

  I feel hurt, crushed and ultimately betrayed.I am not sure if I could trust someone again.I will never be the same gullible girl anymore.This time I will be the real vamp from hell.

 I wanna let that person know how terrible I feel as the pain of betrayal refuses to ebb.

May 24,2012


 Today is Thursday, a day to start doing right and making things right.Last night, I had this issues going through my head that I woke rather late.It hit on me, what a lousy life I had been living--pretending things were alright and trying so hard to please people who are not not deserving.What the hell, I should be doing things for people who see my true value as a person.It is now time to be realistic.


 This is me now and this is what they will get from me whether they like it or not.

May 23,2012


I will not forget this day.Today it is confirmed that those people I thought were friends with reputation of being religious at a higher level could be mercilessly judgmental.I am not the type of person who would be praying every now and then nor I display being God-fearing in any way.I was raised to be the type who would exhibit such qualities in action.


It made me sad that policemen were regarded as people who raised their family using money from "kotong".It is ultimately unacceptable to me because I came from a family who's not that "poor" to the lowest level.I am raised by my father abiding and fearing the law and nurtured by a mother who is warm and kind-hearted.


To those concern: "Hindi kami ganoon kahirap para kumain ng pagkain binili galing sa pera na hindi namin pinaghihirapan at pede ba, stop acting like you are someone na malinis kasi sa totoo lang hindi kayo santa o santo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"