Have you tried loving someone that it hurts to even think they will one day be gone?


   That even the effort of breathing becomes too painful to deal that you would rather die than face tomorrow without that person?


  So crazy,right?

May 28,2012

  Everything used to be perfect.My faith in friendship was renewed and I thought that finally I could love again and be loved in return.God has finally answered my prayers,so I thought.Despite the little issues that would emerge from time to time, I feel so secure that I got someone I could trust with who and what I am."Finally",I kept repeating to myself with a smile form in my face and my heartbeat doing a crescendo.I lived in that unreal and seemingly fantasy world for years (yes,years) until days ago I was confronted with a shocking revelation that until now I still couldn't believe it is true.

 How could someone who has built me up,made me strong and pushed me to be what I am now destroy me in just a day of truth?All along, I was taken as a fool, a gathering topic and a clown for short without me knowing it.

  I feel hurt, crushed and ultimately betrayed.I am not sure if I could trust someone again.I will never be the same gullible girl anymore.This time I will be the real vamp from hell.

 I wanna let that person know how terrible I feel as the pain of betrayal refuses to ebb.

May 24,2012


 Today is Thursday, a day to start doing right and making things right.Last night, I had this issues going through my head that I woke rather late.It hit on me, what a lousy life I had been living--pretending things were alright and trying so hard to please people who are not not deserving.What the hell, I should be doing things for people who see my true value as a person.It is now time to be realistic.


 This is me now and this is what they will get from me whether they like it or not.

May 23,2012


I will not forget this day.Today it is confirmed that those people I thought were friends with reputation of being religious at a higher level could be mercilessly judgmental.I am not the type of person who would be praying every now and then nor I display being God-fearing in any way.I was raised to be the type who would exhibit such qualities in action.


It made me sad that policemen were regarded as people who raised their family using money from "kotong".It is ultimately unacceptable to me because I came from a family who's not that "poor" to the lowest level.I am raised by my father abiding and fearing the law and nurtured by a mother who is warm and kind-hearted.


To those concern: "Hindi kami ganoon kahirap para kumain ng pagkain binili galing sa pera na hindi namin pinaghihirapan at pede ba, stop acting like you are someone na malinis kasi sa totoo lang hindi kayo santa o santo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Here comes another night without you
I wish I could do something to stop it from coming
If only I could pretend that what I am feeling isn't true
But, honestly, I will be damned coz I could feel my spine tingling
Even closing my eyes prove to be a torture because that is when your image come so vividly

 I cannot forget the way you clasp my hand as if telling me I am yours.My days are now spent day dreaming of what had occurred.You are a man of few words and I could not fathom what is going on in your head.You would rather stay silent and stare at me than talk.I find it quite challenging because I am a person who regard the importance of communication in my relationship in any form.How will I forget the way you draw me closer to you in silence? Did you expect me to yield to your need as your desire arises in a tantamount force? Was I innocently sending signal of desperate need of you?How will I know of what has been going on in your beautiful head if you will keep on building that barrier?Are you aware that I could sense pain in your past?What are you afraid of? Isn't it me who is going to be more cautious that one day you will hurt me more than I could take?   So many questions and I am left with no option but to wait  in uncertainty. Is this how should love develop?How will I know if this is a good idea?   All I know is here I am in my office, sitting in front of my computer and typing away all the building up emotions. Every part of me is aching for your touch.Deep within my being I could feel cold pain as memories of you and me linger in my head like a movie that has been played far too may times that it is forever etched in my memory.I miss you so much that I wanted to be with you somewhere where all that matters is you and me.  When will I see you again?Would time kill this emotion whatever it is inside of me now?So many unanswered questions that I know you will never be able to deal with anymore.Wherever you are now, I just wish that even for a fleeting moment you will think of me.

If loving could make one change and feel heaven in the arms of the lover,why does it hurts like hell when separation comes?I have been asking that question to myself quite too many times already ,yet , still I couldn't find an answer.Why?Maybe because until now I still keep on asking people when to know that a person does love you.I tried asking myself that same question but I always end up crying.Such a foolish girl.So childish at  the extreme.


What is LOVE to me then?I think it is doing things for the object of affection without expecting anything in return.Feeling excited at the thought that morning will come and the first thing  one wanted to see is the lover's face or the message of that someone no matter how short it is.Love is thinking of doing better things to make someone proud.It is being delighted by the assurance that no matter how bad days could be and how desperate a situation is, there is someone who would make things feel right.It is when the mere voice of that someone could pacify surging anger or calm a violent emotional storm within.


Am I being traditional?Perhaps, I have no idea what real love is.Maybe I have been exposed to the painful reality of the world far too early that I wasn't given the chance to know and experience the real thing.

Burning Kiss

 It started so innocently.The kiss was not meant to arouse feelings deeply hidden within their selves.After all it was not suppose to happen and it must not happen at all.Yet hours spent talking to each other drew them closer without them knowing it.As the hours passed,a hot line of emotion enveloped their being rising from deep within so powerful that before she knew it he has kissed her forehead already.It was a slight and quick kiss resembling utmost respect.She was suppose to be upset but words left her and he kissed her again.This time on the lips and she wiped her wet lips with the back of her hand.He was taken aback by what he did when she asked,"Why did you do that?Why did you kissed me?".He sat down and ask for a hug instead.She approached him with trembling feet yet the moment she got near and gave him the hug, she kissed him on the lips.Without any words ,she just kissed him with passion akin to hunger.Emotions flowed forth and their kiss linger for a minute when she finally freed herself from his embrace."Let's go home.I wanna go home now...please"'she begged.

I will bring you home,he said though he wasn't so sure if he wanted to anyway.He wanted to beg her to stay for another hour or so.Yet, she can't take another minute alone with him.It is not that she did not trust him.It is her emotion she did not trust at all .

How could this be?She didn't know him at all.He is just a figure she heard from friends.She is not suppose to feel this warm tingling when he hugged her.But it was there,so vivid she could feel the trace of fine hot line down her spine.


She stood up and collect her things.

 The ride home wasn't easy.He was sitting next to her and she could feel the warmth of his skin as he waited for her to say something,too.But all she uttered was "sorry" over and over again.He finally asked her why.Without any hesitation, she answered," For starting this.For inviting you.But please know,I did not plan this."


He was silent for a moment and then calmly said,"It is alright.I am sorry,too.I am supposed to

control myself but you are too irresistible.I haven't met anyone so enticing before that I lost control"


"I am so sorry...really sorry",she mumbled beneath her breath as she looked away into the darkness where luminescent light sparkled from a distance.

Days..weeks...months..years..I have stopped counting.I have stopped keeping track of time.I thought missing you will be put to an end but I was dead wrong.

I have tried poisoning my thoughts by telling myself you are taking me for a ride, that you only wanted me to entertain you when boredom sets in, that you are making me an experiment and that I don't really matter to you.Yet every time I close my eyes, I feel that crazy sensation and unknowingly I am head over heels in love with you again.

When will this end?When will I ever gonna let go?When will I stop waiting?

It is even crazier and more painful now because at uncertain time I could feel you,I could hear your voice,I could smell you and I could see you smile in my head that I wish I could pluck you out and hug you tight.

This has to end.....but how..?

I feel so empty without you.It seems that whatever I do has no meaning.My days are like jumbled pieces of confusion thrown in different directions.I am so miserable.


Why do I feel this way?


Why am I feeling like rumpled and wrinkled like my bed-sheets as I wake up in the morning that I wish someone could yank me smooth and orderly the way I yanked my sheets?


Maybe it was you who made my world perfect and the moment you faded into the background,everything will start to crumble.


Please help me live life on my own.

I found this in TUMBLER by Awesome-ames.I can't help but admire the message and I felt compelled to re-post in my blog


“Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn’t?
Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn’t?
You fall deeper with each passing day,
But try to hide it in every possible way.
He’s only a friend, and nothing else—
That’s the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying he’s just a bud,
But deep inside, you’re falling in love.
You get so giddy when you meet his eyes,
But keep reminding yourself it isn’t right.
It’s “not right” for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that he’s just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it’s “wrong” for others to know.
Your friendship can’t be risked over this,
So being his girl is an impossible wish…”

Have you tried missing someone you haven't been with?

Since I was a child I am fascinated with ideas of kindred spirits and invisible connections to people from the past reincarnated to fulfill what has been halted.

I live thinking what could be my previous life.Was I loved?Did I devote my life loving or did I struggle to keep love alive?So many questions yet none has been answered.

Now, at 37, I sometimes caught myself thinking why do I feel so hollow inside that I would reach for a bottle of beer to calm my nerves and let tears flow.Crying becomes my refuge when I am confused and lonely.But tears won't flow til I am warmed by the effect of alcohol.Months ago, I declared myself an alcoholic after my family pointed out my inability to stop myself from the urge to drink.

If you will ask me, I could boldly say I am perfectly okay right in your face.It is true but when I am already alone in the confinement of my room, that is when everything becomes hazy.It seems that I couldn't grasp what I am feeling.Is it hatred of how my life turned out?Is it loneliness for losing a person I loved?Is it because I miss my connection to our creator?

I think it is all of the above.I miss my silent talks with God when everything seems not right.I miss the feeling of unexplained level of comfort when I pour down all my thoughts to Him.I know I got no one now and I cannot afford to trust anyone to be a part of my life anymore.Sadly, I lost everything that I believed in the person that I thought I will love forever.When before there were three of us- me,him and God, now it is only me and my clouds of doubt in life.

Still, I gave my heart one last shot.I tried to open up for someone who was more like imaginary.I reach out and pretend he's real.Well, it was so real to me. The tears and laughter were more prominent as I journey through changes that brought me to where I am.Then when everything seemed fine,he faded into the background as if watching me succeed in my own and tackle every obstacle equipped with wisdom and determination he imparted in me.I miss the talks,his endless list of reminders, words of encouragement , his smile that would instantly make me glow inside and the warmth of his voice as he pacify my childish temper.

I miss everything in him...even if we were never together.        

I prided myself of having so much love to give and that I will never run out of it.I thought having that feeling in me is enough to sustain a relationship even if the other person doesn't feel the same.

I was wrong.

I realized it too late.

How often have I wished that I got someone I can hug when I am not feeling well?Far too many times.

Last night, after donating 450cc of my blood for a cause, I got a terrible headache and I feel like going down with a fever.Even slow movements became so tasking that I broke down and cry.In the deep recesses of my mind I was longing for arms to hold me tight, a thing I tried to brush off for years.

I know I needed someone but I will not rush.

Earlier this year, I made a vow not to be desperate for a change in my love life.I shouldn't rush nor force myself to love.If a person is meant for me, he will come at the accorded time without too much wishing or praying.Why do I sound like a person who has done so much and end up hurting?Well, I have been through hell by loving.I have spent endless nights crying over something I shouldn't have focused on.

Wiser and tougher now, I have learned to be more cautious with the way I react to the tide of emotions threatening to wash me over the bay of pain.