Have you tried missing someone you haven't been with?

Since I was a child I am fascinated with ideas of kindred spirits and invisible connections to people from the past reincarnated to fulfill what has been halted.

I live thinking what could be my previous life.Was I loved?Did I devote my life loving or did I struggle to keep love alive?So many questions yet none has been answered.

Now, at 37, I sometimes caught myself thinking why do I feel so hollow inside that I would reach for a bottle of beer to calm my nerves and let tears flow.Crying becomes my refuge when I am confused and lonely.But tears won't flow til I am warmed by the effect of alcohol.Months ago, I declared myself an alcoholic after my family pointed out my inability to stop myself from the urge to drink.

If you will ask me, I could boldly say I am perfectly okay right in your face.It is true but when I am already alone in the confinement of my room, that is when everything becomes hazy.It seems that I couldn't grasp what I am feeling.Is it hatred of how my life turned out?Is it loneliness for losing a person I loved?Is it because I miss my connection to our creator?

I think it is all of the above.I miss my silent talks with God when everything seems not right.I miss the feeling of unexplained level of comfort when I pour down all my thoughts to Him.I know I got no one now and I cannot afford to trust anyone to be a part of my life anymore.Sadly, I lost everything that I believed in the person that I thought I will love forever.When before there were three of us- me,him and God, now it is only me and my clouds of doubt in life.

Still, I gave my heart one last shot.I tried to open up for someone who was more like imaginary.I reach out and pretend he's real.Well, it was so real to me. The tears and laughter were more prominent as I journey through changes that brought me to where I am.Then when everything seemed fine,he faded into the background as if watching me succeed in my own and tackle every obstacle equipped with wisdom and determination he imparted in me.I miss the talks,his endless list of reminders, words of encouragement , his smile that would instantly make me glow inside and the warmth of his voice as he pacify my childish temper.

I miss everything in him...even if we were never together.