You Did It Again

Once again, you made me feel that emptiness after you hang up.I hate you for making me love you.I hate you for being constantly in my mind.I hate you for making me gooey over you.I hate you because I could never learn to forget you.

I wish you know how much I love you.I wish you do love me,too............

Did You Ever Love Me?

     I have asked you this a million times already but you never answered it directly. You said you are a man of few words. A man who doesn't want to be bugged saying it. You'd rather say it at times you wanted to. How many times have I heard you say it though?A few times. I can't blame you.That is what you are and this is what I am.

   I am thinking of the chances I took just to let you know how much I love you, to prove to you that I don't just stop at words,that I can prove everything I said were all true.The other day, it just dawned on me that you don't actually love me. You love having me around, having a crazy girl like me around that is why you are so blunt every time I ask you if you have feelings for me. Well, probably this is where "my" love story ends. It ends with a loud bang telling me to stop having illusions of you and me along the way.

    I am now answering the question I posed for you. Yes, you never did love me. You were only intrigued by my personality, my life and my lunacy. So, hard as it is, I need to say goodbye now.

    Please take care. Don't forget your vitamins. In case you run out of  supplements, don't hesitate to text me, I will send right away. In case you run out of load, please let me know.

   Even you don't love me, I will still be here........don't worry, I wont be calling or messaging you anymore...I won't change my number though in case you will need me one day.

To The Only Man I Truly Love

        I guess you will call me a fool for confessing to the whole world that I love you and I always will though I won't be bothering you anymore.I am done doing things to make you notice me.I am done thinking of you every single minute of the day, wondering what could have happened to you.It's enough.I have done everything........except be free to be with you.

I Failed

Kahit anong gawin ko, di pa rin ako nagtatagumpay sa aking pakay na mapaibig ka.Kahit pa ibuhos ko buong buhay ko para sa iyo mahalin mo lang ako,kulang pa rin.Suko na ako.Ayoko ng umasa pa.Tama na ang sinubukan kong gawin lahat para matutuhan mo akong mahalin.

Ang Muling Pagbabalik

Nakatunganga lang ako buong maghapon.Di ko kasi alam kung ano ang gagawin.Feeling ko ,para akong walang tamang pag-iisip ng pumayag akong makita kang muli.Paano ba kita haharapin?Ano ang sasabihin ko?Wala naman akong karapatang magalit kay Rachel.Asawa mo sya at kasal kayo.Sino ba ako na susumbat din sa iyo?Pero, parang gaga akong nag-iilusyon na akin kita.Di naman kailan totoo iyon kasi ipinagpilitan ko ang sarili ko sa iyo.Nasa iyo na kasi ang lahat ng katangian na hinahanaphanap ko.Parang ikaw na ang karugtong ng aking kaluluwa.Pero syempre kathang isip lang naman ang sinasabi nilang "Soulmate", di ba?

Kaya ng malaman ko na may pagkakataon kitang muling masilayan ay di ko alam kung ano ang iisipin.Basta, puso ko lang ang aking sinunod.Gusto kitang makitang muli.Period.Iyon lang ang nasa isip ko.Bahala na kung ano itsura ko, pumangit o tumaba man ako, di na mahalaga iyon, masilayan lang kita.Bahala na kung ako ay iyong lalaitin.

Gusto kitang kamuhian para malimutan lang pero nananaig pa rin ang aking puso.Pag-ibig ba tawag nito?Di ko alam.Di ko alam.Paano naman kasi, ikaw lang ang nakakaintindi sa akin o baka nga nagdadramahan ka lang na kunyari kilala mo akong lubusan at naiintindihan higit pa sa kung sino man.

Marso na ngayon.Ito ang hinihintay ko na buwan upang magdesisyon.Uuwi ba ako?Paano naman ang trabaho ko dito sa Hongkong?Paano kung muli kitang mahagkan ay di ko na kayang mawalay ka pa.Paano kung kaya kitang hikayatin na iwan ng tuluyan ang iyong asawa at tatlong anak?Alam kong kaya mong gawin iyon kasi paulit ulit mong sinabing kahit kaibigan mo lang ako ay mahal na mahal mo ako.Di ba sa akin mo lang nagawa ang lahat na mga matatamis na bagay?Paano naman kasi si Rachel.Probinsyana na eh mahirap pa.Kaya naman minahal mo ako ng husto kasi may pera ako at kayakaya kitang gastahan.Ang sarap ko pang magmahal,di ba?

So,paano na yan,Rachel?Pasensyahan na lang tayo.Kung ako ang pipiliin ng iyong asawa ay ako na nag pinakamasayang nilalang sa buong mundo.Ibibili ko sya na kung anu-anong gusto nya.Bagay na di mo kayang gawin kasi hamak na sales representative ka lang.

(This is what I have in my mind after my husband started sending hurtful messages again.I never even begged for him to return to me.I never even do anything to make him stay.I hate his guts and I hate his woman who he claimed is rich, young,beautiful and a good cook. having my kids with me is enough and there is nothing in this world that will ease the pain I am feeling ever since he told me he love her so much.Those words keep hunting me even in my sleep until now. I have been hurt,abused mentally and emotionally but God is good and I am standing still. To you, dear woman, you will remain a pain in the ass mistress. I will never sign any single document to cut the legal bond my husband has with me and I will forever despise him for all I have been through all these years!) 

Not Kid's Stuff

Do you believe in L0VE?..I mean the real stuff. The one that makes you care for a person despite the pain he has inflicted upon you consciously and unconsciously? I am now almost 39. At this age, I couldn't say I have reached my maturity at the highest level,but, with the painful experience I have been through, I am not someone to be kid around this love thing. I admit I have tried adjusting to the different personalities of the people that came my way. I forgive easily. I budge in to avoid conflict. I cry in silence when I am lied to. I nurse my pain in the shadows. I smile despite the pain wreaking havoc within. I did all this to continue living not for myself but for my kids. I endured so much more than any elite men in the military world, so to speak. Despite the number of turbulence that came my way, I am still standing now--more equipped with knowledge on how to dodge when missiles of pain come rushing in.

But ,guess what? I realized I am someone with a sturdy heart and a wiser mind. I am capable of loving without expecting anything in return.

Sorry,But, I Just Cant

Mahal Kita, Mahal Mo Sya,Mahal Nya Ay Iba

"Mahal kita, mahal mo sya,mahal nya ay iba", he told me this in a mocking way. Well, it sounds so painful at first but I can live with that. What is important is I have loved and I knew somehow he appreciated my effort and time.

What If ?

Sometimes,I have this feeling of total surrender

I can't allow myself to be hurt again

Enough is enough

But the thought of you warms my heart

And here I am,so in-love with you more than ever

One day

       I know you will miss me one day.One day when I am so far away already, when I am no longer under your clutch and by then,everything you will say and do won't affect me anymore.

I Survived

No human being is immune to pain and suffering.We all suffer at different times in different stages of our lives and regardless of the level of pain we go through, we only have to be brave and hope to survive.I have been through a lot of pain and looking back I cannot fathom how I did it but surely I must be regarded as a survivor with flying colors.

My Mind is Empty Today

How will I know if a man  truly loves me?..Ahh, such question is so vague that I could not find the point where to start.Actually, I lost my faith in love. I don't believe it truly exists. For me it is just a fleeting moment. One day you will so warm and amorous towards a a certain person and  the next morning, you will you are fooling yourself for that person does not excite you anymore.Am I being ironic?Well, probably I am.I dunno.I feel morbid about this whole thing.I am not saying I am adding sarcasm to my existence.I am just being practical.I am just reflecting back what the world is giving me.Or could it be the other way around?

I have known a certain guy who promised to do everything for me with just my go signal.Oh, crap.I don't even know what he is up to.I don't even know what he really wants in me. Every time I talk about my best friend whom he did not even know of,he go defensive and ready to fight for something he is not even sure what it is. "Come on, be a man.Tell me what you really want.", I wanna tell him this.

Akin Ka Lang

Of all the friends that has stood by me, you are the only one whom I don't want to have someone to share with. I don't one anyone getting near you

Pangako Sa Iyo

Darating ako umaraw man o bumagyo,pangako......hahay..sarap pakinggan....I used to love the feeling of being promised those lines.I waited a year.No one arrives.No one came.

Now, it is my turn to make that promise.Yet,this time, I will keep it.I will see you.I dunno how but I will.

Five more months...yeah...that short..soon I will be free.I am saving all my emotions for that day to come when I am finally free.

It seems that nothing is happening now,yes, but deep within I can hear the applause-people applauding for my final grip of freedom.I will soon be free.....!!

Stay Away

November 5,2012

Yeah.I want you away from me.Don't even think of coming close.I am way better when you are not around lurking like my own shadow.You freak me out.

I hate being watched from afar by you.I don't appreciate your questioning mind.I hope you are not thinking I am cold and insensitive.It is just not normal for me to fall in love that easy.If I am giving you time then be contended with it.You are lucky to have spent a few hours with me.I think that was enough.Don't expect for more.

If I love you in some way,then be happy for that.

Still Searching For The Right Word

Today is the 31st of October.I will start counting the days until the day I will be totally free.I know March is still so far away and seems hazy but staying on the positive side will somehow make this journey easier for me and for the people who truly cares.

Last night, he bugged me again with his drama.I cannot understand why such an intelligent man like him be downsized resembling an imbecile when it comes to emotional aspect.He started telling me lies again. I am sorry but that is how I will see it.

I Know

"The FATE of your heart is your choice and no one else gets the vote"


This sucks.I wish I have someone to blame to for the fate that my heart is in now.Every girl has someone to call her own,right?..But why do we always end up crying?Are we not suppose to have one guy for each one of us?

Tsk..tsk..I want a bottle of beer right now please.

I Want To Forget You

"All I ever wanted is to forget...yet when I thought I had, pictures of you keep emerging in my head like pieces of wood floating up to the surface that reveals the shipwreck below."

He came and he never left.That is what he is to me.There are times that he would fade away in the background letting me decide and stand on my own but when things get real tough, he would swing right in the middle and let his wisdom took over every chaos that comes my way.

Sometimes, promises are made to be hold true and deep within I know he will always be there for me.My Angel, my hero, my strength.